We all have a relationship to our mental health, and have probably had an experience with mental illness at some point. You might not deal with mental illness yourself, but chances are you know or have known someone who does. Maybe that person has even been someone you’re close with, like a friend or family member. Mental health and mental illness impacts us all in different ways, even when you’re not experiencing it firsthand.
Because of how nuanced mental health issues can be, it’s often impossible to understand exactly what the person struggling is going through. And if you’ve never experienced anxiety or depression or any other mental health issue, it can be even harder to know how to support someone who is going through it.
I live with anxiety every day and experience periods of depression. Dealing with these aspects of my mental health has been a part of my life for many years. So I know how vital it is to have a support system and people you love and trust to lean on. But I’ve also realized how difficult it can be for those people to know exactly how to support me.
Living with mental illness can be a very isolating experience, so one of the most important things that someone who is struggling with their mental health needs to know is that they’re not alone. If you have ever struggled to figure out how to support someone dealing with mental illness, this post is for you. Read on for the key dos and don’ts to keep in mind when you’re supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health.
First, let’s get into some of the unhelpful behaviours you may want to avoid.
DON’T tell them to just get over it.
This is probably the worst thing you can do for someone who is struggling with mental illness. Not only is it unhelpful advice, but saying this to someone can make them think that their emotions are invalid or abnormal, which can lead to feelings of guilt and shame. This will only make everything much more difficult for them.
In most cases, the person struggling literally can’t just get over it. Mental illness can have a powerful effect on the mind, body, and soul. When you’re in the midst of issues like anxiety or depression, these forces are usually out of your control. Telling someone to just get over it is insensitive and unrealistic, and should be at the top of the list of things to avoid if you’re trying to offer support.
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DON’T be overbearing or check in with them too often.
When you see someone you love struggling, your first instinct may be to help them out no matter what. This may lead you to want to check in on them constantly, just to make sure they’re okay. You love them, and you hate seeing them suffer, so it makes sense that you’d want an update on how they’re doing.
It’s important to check in with someone who is struggling, but checking in too often might not be the best thing to do. You may come across as overbearing, and checking up on them too often might make them feel like they’re weak or in constant need of help. Also, on some days, they might just not want to talk about how they’re doing. There will be moments where it’s too painful for them and they’d rather avoid the subject all together, and that’s okay. Someone struggling with their mental health needs to know that support is there if they need it, but overbearing support might just make their situation worse.
DON’T assume you know what’s best for them.
Keep in mind that no matter how much you try to understand how they feel, you will never fully know what they’re going through, simply because you’re not in their mind. You might have many ideas of what will make them feel better or help them overcome their struggles, and that’s great. You can share those ideas with them because they may actually be very valuable to them.
But at the end of the day, only they will know what’s best for them. So don’t be offended if they reject your ideas. You can help them try to see the value in certain coping methods and strategies, but you can’t assume that you know what’s best for them. Only they can know that.
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DON’T put the pressure on yourself to make them feel better.
It can be difficult to see someone you love struggling, especially when it comes to mental health. You probably want to do anything you can to help them get through it and feel better. As painful as it is for them to go through it, it’s also painful for you to see them like that.
It’s important to realize that you can’t put all the pressure on yourself to make them feel better. You can be there for them and help them when they need you, but it’s not up to you to solve every single one of their problems. And chances are, they aren’t expecting you to do that either. Putting that kind of pressure on yourself is unfair to you and may even prevent you from giving them the support they truly need.
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Now that you know what not to do, here are some things that you must do if you really want to support someone who is struggling.
DO ask them what they need.
This is the best thing you can do for someone who is struggling with mental illness. You can’t fully help them if you don’t know what they need help with or how they want to be helped. Instead of making guesses about what would help them or assuming you know the best solution, ask them. They’re the one going through it, so they know what’s best.
They might not know right away what they need or they may be uncomfortable or unwilling to be open about what they need. But asking them gives them a chance to consider it. The more often you ask them, the more comfortable they may get with being open about exactly what they need from others in order to feel better within themselves.
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DO validate their feelings.
If someone you love comes to you crying, angry, frustrated, scared, anxious, or depressed, validate their feelings. I personally hate it when I open myself up and become vulnerable like that with someone and they tell me to get over it, or I shouldn’t be feeling that way, or it’s all going to be okay. Because in that moment, when I’m overwhelmed with my emotions and thoughts, it feels impossible to get over it, I’m thinking that it’s never going to be okay, and if I hear that I shouldn’t be feeling that way, I start to feel ashamed and guilty for feeling the way I do.
Saying these things to someone struggling may seem like a good way to minimize and take the power away from the suffering, but it’s not helpful for the long-term. Instead, allow them to feel their feelings, tell them it’s okay to feel that way, and listen. They’re coming to you and baring their soul; the least you can do is listen.
DO check in with them occasionally and encourage them gently.
As important as it is for someone struggling with their mental health to feel all their feelings so they can process them and learn from them, they also need to try to take small steps forward. They need to utilize coping methods and strategies in order to live with what they’re struggling with and get through it.
As someone they trust, it’s up to you to check in with them occasionally to see how they’re feeling, and encourage them gently so they can make some progress. It’s okay to give them a little push forward every now and then. Maybe all they need to feel better is the encouragement, motivation, and support from someone they trust.
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DO tell them you might not understand exactly what they’re going through, but you’re there for them.
As much as you try, you probably won’t ever understand exactly why or how this person is struggling. And that’s okay. You don’t need to know exactly what they’re going through to support them. The most important thing you can do is just be there when they need you. Remind them they’re not alone, and they can turn to you if they need to talk and have someone else listen to them.
Above all else, knowing that I have people in my life who are there for me and are always willing to listen makes getting through my rough periods a little easier. It helps me feel less alone, which is a feeling that can be a rare and beautiful gift for someone who is struggling with their mental health.
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Supporting someone who is struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness is not an easy task. As someone who suffers and has loved other people who are suffering, I know how difficult it can be. But a supportive relationship can be so rewarding for both people in it. Keep these dos and don’ts in mind so you can show up and support that person who is struggling in exactly the way they need you to.
If you struggle with mental illness or have ever cared for someone who does, do you have any other tips to add to this list? Let me know and let’s learn together.
what do you think?