My Journey With Anxiety Part 1 – The Early Years

I’ve lived with anxiety for most of my life. When I was younger, I had so many worries swirling in my mind, doubts clouding my visions, and fears holding me back. What made it all worse was that I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did and I couldn’t put a name to my feelings. There were times when I didn’t think I would be able to handle anything in life. I felt strange and weird and weak. And even though I had a loving family and a good circle of friends, I didn’t know how to ask for help. The early years of my anxiety were a time of confusion and uncertainty. It’s hard for me to think back to that. Mostly because of all the difficult and confusing emotions I felt. But also because I feel like I’ve finally formed a relationship to my mental health, and it’s hard for me to reconnect with the mindset I was in. I’m still learning, but I understand it a lot more than I did. It’s difficult for me to look back at that confused, sad, isolated girl who didn’t know how to handle who she was. Living with anxiety has been challenging, especially when I didn’t understand what it was.  

Looking back, I realize that the emotions I started dealing with in elementary and middle school were the start of my issues that became more serious later on. My main struggles back then were based on fear. I obsessively followed all the rules and put all of my energy into school because I was scared of failing and disappointing my family. My parents had always given me so much and provided me with a life of comfort and love. I wanted to do well by them. I also felt good about myself when people were proud of me, especially the people I loved. This was the start of me putting so much pressure on myself to always do well at everything, and my issue of letting the opinions of others affect my opinion of myself.

Another big fear of mine had to do with social situations. In elementary and middle school, I was shy, quiet, and socially awkward. I had a few good friends, some of who are still my best friends today. But making new friends was difficult for me. I was constantly afraid that I would say the wrong things or I would be unlikeable or I would just get rejected. To this day, I still struggle to make connections with people. Also, any sort of public speaking would terrify me. Participating in class and giving presentations was a nightmare. I was so scared of having a large group of people put their attention on me. In my head, I would run through everything that could go wrong, every way that I could mess up, and all the mean comments other students would make about me. This fear would also present itself physically; I would stumble on my words, my cheeks would flush, and I would shake uncontrollably. My fear of social situations continued and even got worse in some ways throughout the years. The fears I started to deal with in elementary and middle school laid the foundation for my anxiety to grow upon in the coming years.

My anxiety became more multi-faceted and difficult in high school. My fear of failure and disappointment caused me to put even more pressure on myself, and my fear of social situations made creating connections and public speaking extremely hard to handle. Another big issue I dealt with in high school was worrying. I worried about everything, to the point where it became almost obsessive. I worried about little things, like getting to school on time. And I also worried about bigger things, like the possibility of someone breaking into my house in the middle of the night. Everything was a big deal to me because I would overthink things and blow them out of proportion. I felt like I just couldn’t handle certain things that other people found easy. As a result of my worrying, I often got overwhelmed very easily. If I felt like too many things were going on around me or in my head, I couldn’t handle it. Everything I struggled with just seemed to pile on top of each other to create a big mess that I had no idea how to clean up. During those years, I became interested in psychology and mental health because I started to realize I could relate to certain things I learned about. But I was still confused and lost in my own struggles and didn’t know how to cope.

The big changes that came with starting university helped me recognize the things that I struggled with but also made them grow stronger. The school work load was more intense, so I put more pressure on myself. The student body was larger, so my social fears felt more present. I felt more worried, more overwhelmed, and more anxious than ever. I did eventually adapt to my new situation and found ways to cope, but my anxiety was still there. I had good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. My anxiety came in waves, without reason or explanation. Its unpredictability made it even harder for me to understand. I also still didn’t know how to ask for help because I didn’t know how to put what I felt into words. If I barely understood what I was going through, how could anyone else?

Even though my anxiety still felt out of my control in university, it was during that time that I found ways to recognize it, learn about it, and make peace with it. It’s still something I deal with every day, and it’ll probably be something I deal with for the rest of my life. But I have a different relationship with my anxiety now. Stay tuned for the second part of this post, “My Journey With Anxiety Part 2 – Where I Am Now”.

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