Throughout university, I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted my career to look like. I majored in English, minored in Professional Writing and Communication, and minored in Sociology. Basically, I read a lot of books and wrote many essays. And for the most part, I enjoyed it. Some of my short stories, non-fiction pieces, and essays were even included in publications on campus. I knew I liked to write, but it was when I became involved with student-run campus publications that I found my love for editing. After working as an editor for various writing collections and academic journals, I decided that my dream job would be to work as an editorial assistant at a publishing house.
The initial job search I mentioned in Graduating from School to Life Part 1 – The Struggle consisted of scouring the websites and career pages of publishing houses in Toronto, and researching editor positions at other types of companies. I quickly realized that a lot of the jobs out there required years of experience and other qualifications I did not yet have. Despite this, I spruced up my resume and submitted applications to a few different companies. And let me tell you something: the only thing worse than a rejection is no response at all. I felt like I was waiting for something that would never arrive. As I mentioned already, after applying with no success for a few months, my motivation to search for a job diminished pretty quickly.
Summer ended, and for the first time, I didn’t go back to school in September. It felt really strange. With no job prospects in sight, and a squashed sense of motivation, I needed to re-evaluate my next step. I completed school in the traditional timeframe, without any setbacks, so the next logical step was to find a full-time job. But I realized maybe my lack of motivation wasn’t just because of the job rejection. Maybe I didn’t want to jump right into my career. Maybe I needed to take advantage of my newfound free time and just live life for a little bit. I decided what I really wanted was some time to recharge, experience new things, and focus on myself.
So that’s what I did. But it wasn’t easy. The nagging feeling of guilt and shame for abandoning my job search never went away. Plus, I let the opinions of others cloud my own judgement. When you become a recent graduate, I guarantee you almost everyone you know, and even those you don’t know that well, will ask you about your next step in life, career-wise. How’s the job search going? What sort of places are you applying to? Have you had any interviews? Your whole being rests on your potential success in the working world. This might not bother a lot of people, but it bothered me a whole lot. Whenever someone asked me what I was doing with my life, and I had to tell them I was still working in retail and not having much luck with the job search and sort of just living life at the moment, I felt so much shame. Most people would comfort me and assure me that there was no rush, something would come along eventually. But as the weeks and months passed, people started to react differently. I don’t know if I was imagining it, but I felt like they looked at me with pity and disappointment. I let the judgements of others, either real or perceived, take away from the joy and self-fulfillment I could have been getting from taking time for myself. Once again, I let my anxieties get the best of me, and found myself stuck.
I still have days and weeks like this. I’ve been dealing with all of this for almost two years now. I’m still working in retail, doing any kind of job research still makes me doubt my abilities and question my worth, and I still struggle with navigating my fears, worries, and the opinions of others. But throughout these past couple years, and despite everything I’ve struggled with, I have gained a certain kind of success. Not in the sense of outer, career or material success, but in the inner sense of success.
The past year and a half have been a time of self-reflection, self-evaluation, and self-care. I’ve always been an introspective person with a tendency to get lost in my own thoughts, but I’ve taken it to a whole new level. I’ve found the value in taking time for myself, listening to my body and mind, and engaging in deliberate personal growth. I kept pushing the shame and guilt away and reminding myself that taking time for me wasn’t selfish. Most importantly, I embraced all aspects of my mental health, and learned more about my anxiety and depression. I gave myself the time and space to engage with my more troublesome emotions, to learn more about myself, and to discover what I really want from life.
My job research changed to life research. I fell in love with podcasts, I started following influencers on social media who inspired me and had values I admired, and I discovered I enjoyed reading non-fiction almost as much as (and maybe more than) I enjoyed reading fiction. Consuming the thoughts and ideas of others pushed me towards developing my own thoughts, values, and beliefs about life.
I finally had time to learn, write, and read for myself and not for an educational end goal. I learned a lot of valuable things in school, and I still have a lot of learning left to do, but I feel like in the time since I graduated, the quality of my learning has increased. Now, I learn for pure enjoyment instead of getting good grades. I learn things that I truly enjoy instead of things I think I should enjoy. I learn for the betterment of myself and for the quality of my life.
I know taking an extended amount of time for yourself is not easily achievable or attainable for everyone. There are a large number of constraints, including financial, time, and situational. I know how lucky I am to have had the opportunity to even think about taking all this time for myself without worrying about family, financial, and other practical issues. I’m not saying it was easy, but I do recognize I had a certain level of privilege, and for that I will always be grateful.
Even after all this time, I am not immune to mental and emotional struggles. I just have a better understanding of them. I have really good days, where I’m clear-headed and motivated and proud of myself. And then I have really bad days, where I can’t formulate a full thought or find any inspiration or escape from a negative mindset. I get really self-critical and overthink everything and still carry a lot of fear. But overall, I’m glad I forged my own path and continue to do so. I know that taking all this time for myself has already done so much good for me and will benefit me in the long run. In a lot of ways, I believe inner success is more valuable than outer success. A phrase that has become very meaningful to me is this: “You must do good within yourself before you can do any good out in the world.” I’ve learned to do good within myself, and it has led me here, to this blog. It’s time to do some good out in the world.
what do you think?